Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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