is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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