I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I wish there were birth control emojis
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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