I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
