He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
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Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
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If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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