It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
