oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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