i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
