Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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