She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
