It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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