you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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