I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
