im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just found a bag of teeth...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
