She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
