One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
