i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
