Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
