hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
