So drunk its hurt
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
