Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
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I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
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We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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