I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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