shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
