shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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