You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Randomize
