the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Randomize
