I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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