I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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