Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
