And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
