I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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