isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
