i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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