You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
