i need an iv and a liver transplant
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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