Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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