Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
We left the knife in your bed.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
