Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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