It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
