he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
