I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
