Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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