Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
