And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
false alarm, still single
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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