dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
