yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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