did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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