he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
