I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
