Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
