True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
