I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
