i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She told me I should be a condom model.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
