sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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