did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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