it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
