Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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