Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
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