So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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