I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
