Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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